Friendship's loyalty

after much deep thought recently, decided to pen down thought that's been in my mind for days..

initially wanted to write in Chinese but I figured I should settled down with English, so here it is..

many things happened..
things may not be that good but life still goes on..
not to criticize or complain about my recent life, but things are starting to changed..
whether we like it or not, change is necessary..

most recently i have dealt with enormous amount of people's issue.
you may have doubt on my availability in attending to various people, but as far as i am concerned, i put friends first in my list..
which means if friends are having trouble, i will be there to provide assistance, should they need it..

some people may point out that i'm not entirely available to all my friends..
and my answer would be: YES!
who doesn't have a double standard? (not trying to rationalize my double standard)
everyone has..
if i believe that my helps could benefit my friends, why not offer to those who i care about?

friends in need, i will be there, first, it depends on how i view them..
we may have thousand of friends around, but only few ones we care..
and i admit, i do have a list of friends which i will undoubtedly be loyal to..
they may not know i care for them, but i did care for their well being..

my loyalty lies with how well my friends treated me,
i do not wish for a repay, but the basic of truly respect must be there.
in layment terms, as long as they treated me normally, and i think they are worth my loyal, i will be there.

in some situation, this kind of loyalty will eventually turned to brotherhood or sistership..
that is what people called best friends..
well, i did not have any, but that doesn't mean i couldn't show loyalty too!

it's been awhile since i have any close friend..
previously, i don't usually stick to one because i think that i need to divert all my attention to 'the one'..
and my personality proves that i like to hang out with FRIENDS, bunch of friends, gang of friends..
not just one..
as time pass by, my mind changed..
i figure i need to settle for one too..

so off i went and search, some clicked some not..
hmmmm, i will not say this result with a bang, nor would i say it bring harm to me.
let's just say i'm open minded enough to take in all the odds.
i will not comment much on it and just give this section a pass..

if loyalty doesn't prove appreciated, the best way is to stop it to end suffering..
why wanna stay and let people take things for granted right?

once loyalty is placed, i will give it my full force, right now, it is placed in 3 places..
let's hope it will remained 3..

then i figured one thing, things always happen without me knowing..
i may be the one that know lot of stuff, but certainly not everything i know, let alone i am not the first few human who knows..
things happened for a reason, but mostly EVERYTIME i am not getting answer for what's happening..
and i kind of tired about this situation already..

things may go up and down in a circle of friends..
no one is perfect, things might affect me too..
but i reckon that no one wants to explain the reasoning behind to me
am i that bad? or scary?

for example, people ask me why couldn't chase her?
i duno...
what's wrong?
i duno...
what happened?
i duno...
i duno...
this may sounds like i'm avoiding answering all that question but seriously i duno!!!

this situation, i couldn't do anything but to accept and respect people that do not wish to speak up..
i respect their decision to remain silence, but that doesn't mean i'm not curious, especially when i'm affected..
let's put aside the probability of me being stubborn and not listening to advice, did i get the chance to know what happened?
NO..

i'm not trying to force people to tell me what happened, but i just simply think it's not fair for me to face the situation with a blank look..
"What happened?" I don't know....
I always don't know..

So, what could i do? no choice but to settled with "OK,, it's not my things.. they don't want to tell me then fine.."
how many fine until i will truly get hurt?

From the look of my face, i may seems rationale..
but my heart may not think so, i have to manually force my heart to accept what's unfair..
that's the best way to restore peace..
by sacrificing my understanding..
life is never fair..


I have tried my best, to stay being a true friend..
if that's not what friend wants, then i'm sorry, that's the best i can do..

like nokia's CEO last speech as CEO: "we did nothing wrong, but somehow, we lose"
if you could relate to my situation..

and i think i purposely write in English so lesser people will read..
I just want to throw tantrum..
thanks.

ps. fallen, and pretends nothing happened.